This post contains mature subjects and sexuality…

Don't let me hear you say life's taking you nowhere

My day started off like many days start for men of my age. I was going to see the ophthalmologist for an eye exam. I have noticed a gradual decline in my vision in the last two years.  It’s been more than two years since my last exam. This time I wanted to see “my guy”.  For the past ten years, I have been buying my glasses at the same store that my daughter had been working at, so I saw the house optometrist. But this as a milestone visit, after the triple bypass, and the cancer, it was time to bring the big guns to the fight and see my guy.

The appointment started off with the receptionist taking some measurements.  Please put your chin on the machine and look straight ahead. Can you read the letters here? Ok. How about this line? Which is more clear to you- 1 or 2? Ok, here is a different line. Is it more clear with a red background or a green Background?

1 or 2?

After doing this with spectacles on and with them off, with my computer glasses on and off, I was led to a chair outside of a door. The Inner Sanctum. The kindly doctor comes out, and his present patient takes a seat, and I am ushered in.

The next exchange sounded like when you go back to the hairdresser you no longer see.  Awkward.

“ So it looks like it’s been ten years since I last saw you.”

“Are you still living in White Rock? “

No, we moved back to town about 10 years ago.

The next question is obligatory after a certain age.

“What medications are you currently on?”

Well, it’s been a momentous few years recently-Triple Bypass surgery, and then Cancer. ( I did not go into the car accident. There is already sympathy without getting too crazy.

I recite the litany of medications I take- for brain, thyroid, heart, stomach and esophagus, muscle relaxers, anti inflammatory drugs….

We go through all the routines. Can you read this line? Is it better on 1 or 2? He keeps pulling out gadgets from his drawer. He says we are building a story here.

He puts in some drops. Now look into the white light.

“ Am I dead, doc?

“No, you’re perfectly normal for your age of 65. What you have is perfectly normal. You will not need a new prescription. In fact, spending more money on glasses is not needed at all.”

What? Did I hear him right? What is this black magic that he speaks of?

“The good news is you do not have glaucoma. The bad news is you do have cataracts. But the good news is we can reverse the damage with cataract surgery. After which, you will not need glasses at all. Only readers. “

The big guns. Glory be the big guns. Apparently the government pays for the surgery for nearsightedness, but not astigmatism. I will have to kick in some for that. You will need to talk to the specialist about the exact costs, as each case is different.”

I hate to gloat but I have to remind my American readers that my heart surgery, cancer treatments, and car accident rehab is covered by our government health care.  Now they want to give me new lenses for my eyes. If I lived south of the border, I would be be broke, blind or dead

The doctor went on, “What you have is perfectly normal for your age. It takes about six months to get an appointment, so we will start the process today. In a few weeks you will hear from the specialist for an appointment

Wow! What a reveal! Who would have guessed? Given my recent luck, I am not surprised, although the thought of losing my glasses really appeals to me.

You see, even at this somewhat cruel age, this peacock must preen. The thing about Cataract Club is we don’t talk about Cataract Club.

Damn, I guess by spilling the beans, I just blew that. Just like I forgot the secret Cardio handshake.

Speaking of shaking hands , have you been following the story of God’s Chosen People- i.e. The Golden Bachelor and his harem of eligible mates? What do you think of Gary, the Golden Bachelor?

Nothing's gonna touch you in these golden years

Gary is a handsome guy in his pearly seventies. I say pearly not early, because look at the gaggle of golden girls gathered at the heavenly mansion gate. Do you see there is something magical about their smiles. These select smiling seniors have unnaturally white teeth. How do they do it? Whiteners? Implants? Partial plates? Pilates? Pickle ball?

Every week Gary goes on a date, and at the end of each episode there is a Rose Ceremony. Some of these lucky ladies will not get a rose, and we will watch them sadly go home.  In a limousine. Just like we do in real life.  They all arrived at the mansion in the limo, climbing out the limo like clowns from a clown car.

One comes dressed like a granny, with a walker, which she kicks to the curb, stripping down to a sexy mini skirt, to reveal herself.  Gary likes her creativity. He likes their shared sense of humour. This particular golden girl is Leslie. She is my favourite to win. She and Gary go on a date, off-roading in their respective ATVs. Gary was fast out of the gate, leaving Leslie in the dust behind. Can she even handle the ATV? So many tests, just like in real life. Seems like she may have been a bit tentative in handling the heavy machinery. But Gary, ever the gentleman, keeps looking back to see if she is ok. Afterwards, Leslie gushes,” He kept looking back to see if I was ok. “

This is the first Bachelor show that is especially targeted for a senior audience. There have been many Bachelor and Bachelorette shows before. But always with young sexy Firemen dating hot foxy Supermodels. In the case of the Golden Bachelor, THIS IS YOUR DAD’s OLDSMOBILE.  The stakes are high, because watching old people cry is not a pretty sight. Let’s just say, crying doesn’t bring out your inner beauty. And yet in the words of the Golden Bachelor, Gary, “ It melted my heart.”

Last night they loved you

Opening doors and pulling some strings

We meet Gary, 72, a retired restauranteur and widower with visible hearing aids. He plays the ubiquitous American game of Pickle ball.  Gary looks like he could have been the high school quarterback. He is energetic, super kind, and thoughtful. He has been lost, and lonely since his wife unexpectedly died. She was his high school sweetheart and the mother of his children. Somehow Gary was not so lonely or lost, as to not be cast on The Golden Bachelor. The following contains mature subjects and sexuality.

Except this show is all about Loneliness and Intimacy.

Yes, Intimacy, not sex, is the attraction. No matter what the warning says at the beginning of the show(and this post),the mature subjects are what we are calling women these days.

The ages of the women ranges from 60-85: Leslie 64, a fitness instructor and my crush. Theresa 70 -Who Came in her birthday suit, and flashed him , wearing a flesh coloured outfit. Faith 61 who rides a motorcycle and has a radio show. Pamela 75,Joan 60, Susan 66, April 65, Renee 67, Maria 60, Anna 61, Patty 70,Sylvia - age indeterminant,Jeannie 65, Conchetta 85- who is related to Jimmy Kimmel,Sandra 75,Edith 60, Natasha-age indeterminant,Kathy-age indeterminant,Marina -age indeterminant, Peggy-age indeterminant. All of these women were born as women. No surprises down there for Gary.

Nights are warm and the days are young

In this time of internet dating, pandemic shutdowns, and social media, people regularly over share. Some come just to look, while other folks are addicted to the scroll stroll and the swipe right. But what unites all of us is this- everyone feels inadequate and lonely. One in four people identify as lonely, according to the latest poll on CNN- when America is lonely - who do they trust for their news?  Apparently not CNN. No, CNN is lonely as Fox News has the market share. Never underestimate the power of the deplorables.

WhoP, WhoP, WhopP

Even the WHO, (the organization,not the band),has formed a technical advisory committee to look at the epidemic of loneliness. They even say loneliness and social isolation have serious consequences for mental and physical health, and are associated with higher mortality rates. People are literally dying for companionship, many settling for a Golden Retriever, as opposed to a Golden Bachelor.

So go to your fridge and grab your favourite soft food and a big spoon, and please sit down before you fall down. The next bingo night will be sponsored by Pfizer and Moderna. They will present us with their newly developed vaccine for loneliness. You may have seen the ad for it. Oprah shouting and shilling. The unforgettable catchphrase, “ Look under your your seats, because today everyone gets a little prick.”

In the back of a dream car twenty foot long

Seriously, ED (Emotional Dysfunction ) is more concerning than the pharma/famous ED(Erectile Dysfunction.) If the Critics are surprised by the success of The Golden Bachelor, it begs the question, “Who are these critics anyway? Why are they so out of touch with their deplorable viewers?”

Where are all the punks who never go out anymore? At home in their soft pants and onesie’s watching Netflix, binge eating Haagen- Dazs?

The senior market for august romances is ripe for the plucking(and franchising. )

You see, we are a captive audience. We have become the home audience Canadian sports announcer legend Jim Robson was talking about when he said,”I’d like to send a special hello out to all hospital patients and shut-ins, the pensioners and the blind, and those fans who can’t get out to hockey games.”

In Canada, it is common knowledge that the old theme song for Hockey Night in Canada is the perfect background music for lovemaking. Welcome to our national obsession Find the Five Hole! Now Canadians will want their own Golden Bachelor, but being Canada, it will be called The Gordon Bachelor.

Run for the shadows

All of these late blooming love affairs show us just how important intimacy is in a relationship. Can a 72 year old man find love in the dark? Would you pay to watch him stumble around with his hearing aids, cataracts, tinnitus, lymphedema, and and bad back?

When I had my heart attack at age 49, ( I was a young bloomer) I was motivated by the bait set by my doctors. They said Dennis you can resume having sex once you can ‘Walk Up The Stairs’ without huffing and puffing, (or having another heart attack.) Never has walking up stairs been as enjoyable or inspiring. Hey Marge, come and watch Gordie walk up the stairs. This is going to get interesting.

We are down to the final three eligible women. Who will  Gary will take to the Rose Ceremony? First, Gary has to visit their hometowns and meet their families. As Gary says,”These roses mean so much, because you are inviting me into your homes.” When I think of inviting strangers into my home, I see vampires or bad wolves. Grab the garlic, granny.

Run for the shadows in these golden years

One of the eligible females just said, “I can’t look at that rose. It makes me nauseous.” The reason this mawkish show is so enchanting is definitely the age factor. These are not hot young people getting it on. They are people in their twilight years, searching the sunset stage for what could be their final fling. The age factor raises the stakes. Many of these eligible women are widows, with few divorcées. Like Gary, many of the women have had the experience of mourning the loss of the love of their lives. And yet, while their partners may have passed, their first love continues to resonate beyond the grave. For people in their 60’s and 70’s, it sure seems like high school.

Another factor in the popularity of this show is the back room bitchfest. Who doesn’t love to hear the doll’s dish.

“You’re Not That Special Girlfriend”

“Gary, I just have to tell you what Kathy did.”

“Hey Faith, you don’t get a hometown rose unless it’s serious.”

“I’m really falling in love with you, Gary”

And we can almost hear their careless whispers, just under their breath as those unlucky ladies are being rejected and sent home in a limo:

“ You’re just like all the rest….Fuck you Gary.“