The Truth Fairy

My daughter just turned 30, marking a milestone in her life. This event for her reminds me that 30 years ago, my life changed as well, when I added Father to my resume. One of the rituals of parenthood in our culture is inventing stories to tell our children, stories like Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and of course the Tooth Fairy.

The deal with the Tooth Fairy is when children lose one of their baby teeth, they place it underneath their pillow or on their bedside table and the Tooth Fairy will visit while they sleep. In the morning, when they awaken, the tooth is gone, replaced with money. When I was a child the going rate was about a quarter (25 cents) for a tooth. With inflation, she received $1-2 per tooth , but more importantly, I remember that she had many questions. She wanted to know what the Tooth fairy’s name was. So I invented Melody, the Tooth Fairy. My daughter would ask questions, which we would write then together on small pieces of folded paper, leaving these messages to the Tooth Fairy under her pillow.

I would then answer the questions as Melody. The funny thing is that I saved all those little messages, and also saved all of baby teeth. At some point, she knew this was a shared fiction, as opposed to a scam. When she asked about the Tooth Fairy, and if she was real, I would answer as I did when she asked about Santa, what do you want to believe? This question of ‘what do you want to believe’ was an integral part of my parenting.

I did not force feed her religion either; I asked her what did she want to believe. We all have choices in our life of what to believe. Rather than have her question whether she should believe her father, I let her decide what was important to her.

I am reminded of the Tooth Fairy because of her 30th birthday, and the collection of teeth and messages from Melody. I am also reminded because two days ago I saw the Cancer Dentist, a team of dentists who work with the Cancer agency. What does a dentist have to do with a head or neck cancer?

Radiation therapy is the most common form of treatment along with surgery and chemotherapy. There are 2 types of complications that may occur during and after radiotherapy, as a result of the effects of radiation on normal tissue. The affected areas include the oral mucosa salivary glands, bone, teeth, and the musculature of face and neck. The incidence of oral cancer is on the increase in several parts of the world particularly in Australia, Japan, and Parts of Europe, oral cancers occurrence is particularly high in males in comparison to females.

The dentists were looking for any possible issues with my teeth, that might later lead to the need for an extraction. They want to extract any future problem teeth prior to the radiation to avoid the risk of osteoradionecrosis (ORN).

Osteoradionecrosis is bone death due to radiation. The bone dies because radiation damages its blood vessels. So as a preventative measure, the dentists remove any problematic teeth prior to radiation.

Which leads me to today, as I will have two back molars removed. Extracted. Pulled. Should I leave them under my pillow? Should I expect Melody to bring me money or messages?

What do I want to believe?

I want to believe that killing the cancer will be better than suffering the possible negative effects of radiation and chemotherapy. These doctors are highly skilled. But I am 65 with heart disease. There are risks of cardio events from the chemo. Risks of hearing loss or increased tinnitus from the radiation. Risks of memory loss, strokes, taste, swallowing function. So many possible losses.

What do I want to believe?

Lou Reed says “to cure you they must kill you.”

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is what people often say. The saying was originally penned by German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, and is actually “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.”

A corollary to this saying is that suffering is good for you, and makes you more resilient.

What do I want to believe?

Let me end here with a story from the Brothers Grimm

The Singing Bone

By Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm

Once upon a time in a certain country there was great concern about a wild boar that was destroying the peasants' fields, killing the cattle, and ripping people apart with its tusks. The king promised a large reward to anyone who could free the land from this plague, but the beast was so large and strong that no one dared to go near the woods where it lived. Finally the king proclaimed that whoever could capture or kill the wild boar should have his only daughter in marriage.

Now in this country there lived two brothers, sons of a poor man. They declared that they dared to attempt the task. The older one, who was crafty and shrewd, did so out of pride. The younger one, who was innocent and simple, did so because of his kind heart.

The king said, "In order to be more sure of finding the beast, you should enter the woods from opposite sides."

Thus the older one entered the woods from the west, and the younger one from the east.

After the younger one had walked a little while, a little dwarf stepped up to him. He held a black spear in his hand and said, "I am giving you this spear because your heart is innocent and good. With it you can confidently attack the wild boar. It will do you no harm."

He thanked the dwarf, put the spear on his shoulder, and walked on fearlessly.

Before long he saw the beast. It attacked him, but he held the spear toward it, and in its blind fury it ran into the spear with such force that its heart was slashed in two.

Then he put the monster on his back and turned towards home, intending to take it to the king.

Emerging from the other side of the woods, he came to a house where people were making merry drinking wine and dancing. His older brother was there too. Thinking that the boar would not run away from him any time soon, he had decided to drink himself some real courage. When he saw his younger brother coming out of the woods with his booty, his envious and evil heart gave him no peace.

He called out to him, "Come in, dear brother. Rest and refresh yourself with a beaker of wine."

The younger brother, suspecting no evil, went in and told him about the good dwarf who had given him the spear with which he had killed the boar.

The older brother kept him there until evening, and then they set forth together. After dark they came to a bridge over a brook, and the older brother let the younger one go first. When the younger brother reached the middle above the water, the older one gave him such a blow from behind that he fell down dead.

He buried him beneath the bridge, took the boar, and delivered it to the king, pretending that he had killed it. With this he received the king's daughter in marriage.

When his younger brother did not return he said, "The boar must have ripped him apart," and every one believed it.

But as nothing remains hidden from God, this black deed was also to come to light.

After many long years a shepherd was driving his herd across the bridge and saw a little snow-white bone lying in the sand below. Thinking that it would make a good mouthpiece, he climbed down, picked it up, and then carved out of it a mouthpiece for his horn. When he blew into it for the first time, to his great astonishment the bone began to sing by itself:

Oh, my dear shepherd,
You are blowing on my little bone.
My brother killed me,
And buried me beneath the bridge,
To get the wild boor
For the daughter of the king.

"What a wonderful horn," said the shepherd. "It sings by itself. I must take it to the king."

When he brought it before the king, the horn again began to sing its little song. The king understood it well, and had the earth beneath the bridge dug up. Then the whole skeleton of the murdered man came to light.

The wicked brother could not deny the deed. He was sewn into a sack and drowned alive. The murdered man's bones were laid to rest in a beautiful grave in the churchyard.

The end

The story of The Singing Bone, like most of Grimm’s Fairy Tales, is quite grim. The “good” brother gets killed, his bone sings, and is buried in the churchyard. The evil brother is sewn in a sack and drowned alive. No happily ever after for the Brothers Grimm.

What do I want to believe?