The Shape of My Drape

Here I am in my birthday suit. Some friends obsess with the colour of the suit. Others rest their eyes on the shape of my drape. Oh, the vagaries of fashion and how it defines us as we age.

A friend said he loved me in teal. I thought teal? Is my birthday suit teal? I always called it turquoise. To settle the bet, to calm the rough waters, to steer the boat and provide a clear path to 70, I turned to the Gods of Colour, those people who arbitrate the great colour wars. Here is what they said:

Clearly, the birthday suit is neither teal nor turquoise. It is celeste bordering on aqua. Aqua. As in water. As in Aquarian. As in I used to love a drink, but now I have water on the brain. An Aquarian in an Aquarium. How many Aquarians does it take to clean an aquarium?

When I was a kid, I had an aquarium. My best friends were fish. Neon tetras to be precise.

Beautiful neon tetras. But enough about fish. Let us leave colour theory to the Gods of colour. The academics. Academic in a pandemic. I know, I know it’s serious. Back to what you all want to talk about— my birthday suit.

I must tell you the origin story.

We were down in Seattle to see Patti Smith. We were staying in a haunted hotel in Bell Town. I once knew the self- proclaimed Mayor of Bell Town- Dean Wartti, who very sadly is no longer with us. No longer on the celestial plane. The plane he boarded was sucked into the Bermuda Triangle. Now he is nil.

Dean Wartti. The Man, The Myth. In my memories, he will always be the Mayor of Belltown, doing blow in a walk-in cooler in Belltown. My band, Rhythm Mission, was playing there. It was the late 80’s. Rhythm Mission was a very interesting band with a really horrible name. Here is a taste from Soundcloud: Blood Beach

“We call that French Dressing.” Dean and I were sharing a meal at Franglors, known for their cornbread, barbeque, and iceberg lettuce salad with ketchup. Dean corrected me. “We call that French Dressing.” For more back story, you can read the Gosts of Seattle.

So many sidestreet attractions. So many dark mysteries. But back to the birthday suit origin story.

I found the suit, or did it find me? Leroy Menswear was legend in the Seattle alternative universe. A haberdashery frequented by blues stars, blaxsploitation pimps, and the many lovers of fine synthetic tailoring. From 1980 to 2018, Leroy Shumate was the tailor to the stars.

Here is a thirty second commercial:

It was like walking into a dream. Everywhere I looked was signature stage wear. The suit in question came right up to me and magically put itself on me. There was no going back. Leroy asked if I had 30 minutes to wait while he hemmed the pants. I bought the three piece AQUA suit, with tie, puff, slinky socks, and alligator shoes. I also bought a gold paisley jacket. It was about $500 or so for everything.

I was in heaven.

Sadly, Leroy is in heaven, as cancer took him away, and his shop had to close. Some people are not replaceable in this life. Mr. Shumates was one of those irreplaceable people. It was an honour just to enter his store. As George Costanza would say,”He was the Master of his own Domain.”

There is an anecdote about a great bluesman. Was it Lightnin’ Hopkins? Bo Diddley? I forget. Someone will correct me. He tells the driver to pull over while he goes into a liquor store to get a pint. He wants the driver to hold his bulging roll of cash, because he didn’t want to mar the “shape of his drape.” His all reet and not petite pleats. Like James Bown sang, Pleats, Pleats, Pleats.

What is real story about pleats? From the reddit wisdom of ghostfriends686:

“Why Pleated?

Comfort. Practicality. Aesthetics. Pleated pants get a bad rap but they are one of the comfiest and stylish articles of clothing.

Comfort: Pleats are made by gathering extra material which are folded and tucked into the waistband of trousers. When the wearer makes movements such as sitting, kneeling, squatting or walking, this extra fabric gives to these movements and returns to its closed position when standing or resting upright. Pleats keep the fabric away from the wearer’s body, maximizing airflow.

Practicality: Pleats allow the wearer to make use of the trouser’s pockets without unsightly bulges/pulling typical of their flat-front counter parts. Therefore, it reduces wear, friction, or stress on the seams and fabric resulting in a longer lifespan of the trousers.

Aesthetics: Pleats offer a distinct look no other pant can. It provides several focal points for the eyes to latch on to and imbues every outfit with the rule of thirds effortlessly.

The darting in the front makes the eyes travel vertically down the crease of the pants revealing a cuff resting on the wearer’s tastefully picked footwear. The reverse happens when the mid-high waist of the pleated waistband draws the eyes up to the belt line, top garments, and accessories . The eyes aren’t struggling by viewing breaks in the wearer’s figure. The pleats have grounded them as a single column of curated intricacies.

THE SCIENCE OF PLEATS

This section will guide you on how to buy, thrift, or sew the pleated pant. It can be personalized but some guidelines are there to keep what makes the pleat great. It’s Drape. It all boils down to the drape. Everything else can be personalized to you but The Drape is non negotiable.

WAIST

It should be mid to high rise. Waistband needs to either sit above, on, or slightly below your belly button; your natural waist line. Take a measurement of your crotch. When shopping use this to find trousers that corresponds with your crotch measurements when you tally its front and back rise respectively.

Avoid Low rise. Big fat NO. Low rise will give you child birthing hips, and make you look dumpy. You’ll no longer benefit from the drape or the rule of thirds it provides.

LEGS

Full cut legs. Wide legs. Straight legs. Relaxed legs. This is one of the elements that give the pleated trouser its signature drape. It keeps the fabric away from your body, reduces unsightly creases, and gives that not trying too hard unassuming cool it’s known for.

You can opt for full length with your choice of trouser break and cropped variations.

Avoid carrot fit legs (trendy, these age terribly), slim legs, or skinny legs. Why even pleat? Just go flat-front.”

Well, ghostfriends686, you have a way with words. Your words raised a few eyebrows with their caprice. What is this rule of thirds? Is it related to the circle of fifths?

What is the rule of thirds?

“The rule of thirds is a composition guideline that places your subject in the left or right third of an image, leaving the other two thirds more open. While there are other forms of composition, the rule of thirds generally leads to compelling and well-composed shots.”

So pleats imbue your pants with the rule of thirds. Perhaps the real attraction is lying in your lap. Like right in front of your face.

It was there the whole time, sleeping. In rest position. Ready to rise to the occasion.

Please remember dear reader, this aging fashion plate was once the twinkle in his father’s eye.

I am reminded of a poem my Mother would read to me at bedtime:

Eletelephony

Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)

Laura Elizabeth Richards