The Outer Limits

About 19 years ago I had a heart attack, which forced me to reevaluate my life and the choices I had made. I was 49.

Today I am 68. I was off work from the heart attack for about 9 months. During that time, I would sit at the window and write and observe.

One day, I heard a thud, and looked out the window to see what had happened. Right below me, on our front step, was a robin, who had flown into the window. Beside the prone robin was another robin standing guard. I watched them for many minutes- over 30– and they did not move.

I went downstairs and gently opened the door and walked around them. My neighbour was in her yard. I said,” You have to see this.”

She told me that “Robins mate for life.”

The mate was standing over their beloved as they were dying. It was so beautiful and sad. Even when I walked right by them, I did not distract the mate from his guard.

This memory was 19 years ago. Many life changing moments and experiences have happened since. Today, I am off work, having worked the past three days, and having to work Friday and the upcoming weekend. If I had not taken off today, I would be working 7 days in a row, which was not uncommon years before. Years after the heart attack, but before the triple bypass and the cancer.

I know my limits. Just like how I used to stay up all night and work the next day, going two days or more without sleep. This type of work bravado is not possible, physically or mentally. If I push my body past certain limits, I shut down.

Or I get sick. As Gabor Mate said, “When the body says no.” I was at work yesterday doing many tasks, as we are understaffed. We have always been understaffed. I am the generalist who can do a bit of everything. Why pay three people when one guy can do it all? Almost. That is the problem with doing all. All is never enough. All is never finished. All is not satisfied with all. All is always wanting more.

On some level, I like the idea of being the guy who can do it all, but the question I often ask myself, is what more could be done with a little help.

I was home first last night, so I was responsible for getting dinner made. I defrosted two fennel sausages, cut up some yams, carrots, fennel, and potatoes and roasted them. Then walked the dog. I may have mentioned we have a “rental”- my brother-in-law’s dog Scarlett. When I reached into the cupboard near the stove for the yams and potatoes, some onions fell to the floor. Then some shallots.

It could not be avoided. I had to crouch down and stuff everything back in the cupboard. There was also a glass bottle of olive oil from Azerbaijan, and a small plastic bottle of vinegar. I rearranged it all and was able to close the door.

This morning, Michelle opens the cupboard door to get her cereal out from the shelf above the root vegetables. Out comes the olive oil, crashing on the hard floor, the base of the bottle shattering, sending olive oil everywhere, filled with shards of broken green glass.

You might ask,” Does Extra Virgin Olive Oil clean up any different than regular olive oil?”

The short answer is no. The long answer is a long “no”, as cleaning oil from a floor is very time consuming. One might even ask, “is it ever over?”

It was very slippery and hard to move with all the fingers pointing at me. When you are exhausted, just getting the cupboard door shut is an accomplishment. But also a set up for a future disaster.

Living life one foot in front of the other does not lend itself to retrospect. Respect is also a casualty. Sooner or later, everything stops. Everything crashes.

Are we setting ourselves up for success? Or just setting ourselves up?

For some strange reason, I am reminded of a load bearing wall.

A load-bearing wall is a wall that supports the weight of the elements above it and transfers it to a foundation.

What part of the load bearing wall are you?

The Cripple or the King Stud?

Do you know your limits?

How much of a load are you built to bear?

Would you rather just Build-A-Bear?