The Elephant in the Room
This past Wednesday I took my lump to St. Paul’s Hospital. I thought we needed to get to know each other better, understand how we relate, and where this relationship is going, where it might take us. There is nothing as scary as a uncharted path through medical procedures. Take one active mind, take a page from Dr. Google, shake vigorously, strain and pour into chilled martini glass.
Lump has been quite secretive, keeping to himself for a awhile it appears, but craves a bit more time on the stage. He isn’t content to remain in the background. As a part of our counselling, Lump was asked to disrobe, then put on one of those wonderful blue hospital gowns. You know the ones with so many straps. How are these supposed to hold it together? I couldn’t figure out if the gown should be put on forwards or backwards, so I try it both ways, then finally resign myself to swaddling myself in its sterile stiff awkwardness. Kind of like wearing a fitted sheet.
Lump was shown into a room where he got to meet a team of medical experts who were called the Medical Imaging team, which is what the appointment notice said, but of course no one at St Paul’s got the memo that Medical Imaging is the nomenclature for biopsy, which of course would be found in Radiology.
The Doctor had a beard under his mask. I had Lump, who also had a mask. Doctor said Lump could remove his mask, as they were going to get to know each other on a more intimate level. He explained, the Doctor that is, that he would be applying a local anesthetic to numb the area around Lump, and that it would only sting for a bit.
As the Doctor pricked me with his needle, I flinched. Doctor then said he would give me more anesthetic. I’ll just drip it on this time, he said, rather than inject. Lump did not seem to mind all the fuss everyone was making about him. He seemed to revel in the attention, I fear. Doctor then explained in his British/Australian/ South Efrican accent, I forget the exact location of his birth as my mind was on bigger things. Actually smaller things, interrupts Lump.
Doctor says he would be doing one of two things, depending on what he sees with the ultrasound. He would either use a long thin needle, or a larger needle. The Big Needle would get to the core of the situation, or to be more precise, Lump. He applied the KY equivalent and gently massaged his warm instrument all around the area in the vicinity of my pain in the neck, dear unforgettable Lump.
Doctor cautioned that since Lump had decided to reside in such an awkward location, he had to be careful, as the old Jugular Vein or his brother Carotid Artery, were lurking in the neighborhood, and so not receptive to uninvited visitors.
Dr. Google advises, “This area contains the Carotid Artery and Jugular Vein. If either is cut the attacker will bleed to death very rapidly. The Carotid is approximately 1.5″ below the surface of the skin, and if severed unconsciousness, will result in death in approximately 5-15 seconds.”
Location, location, location. Lump seems to be enjoying all this attention. The Good Doctor, we have decided he is Good, as all the other options are unthinkable, the Good Doctor decides the larger core needle is the best tool for the job, or jab.
Lump interjects, I like the cut of his jib!
But here’s the rub, Good Doctor is very crafty. After all he is the Doctor here, and having the benefit of higher education, something I do not possess, me being a high school graduate and all, so I make a sudden rush to judgement to trust the Good Doctor. After all, not to trust him while he is doing his trained business would be highly impractical, given Lump and his resolute decision to situate himself in my right lymph node, just below my submandibular jawline.
Here we consult Dr. Google for more information on this region:”The submandibular lymphatics comprise 3 to 6 nodes, beneath the body of the mandible. The nodes are palpable on the superficial surface of the submandibular gland. Malignant tumors may drain into these regional lymph nodes, requiring more extensive neck dissection for the complete treatment of cancer.
Lump flinches. Dissection? Did they just say Dissection? Lump is not ready for any mention of the C word. Lump meet Lymph. Lymph meet Lump. You see the lump is in the lymph, that is the location. Crafty educated Good Doctor devises a back door plan. Who doesn’t love a good back door plan?
Though Howlin’Wolf once sang of the joys of the Back Door Man, Howlin’Wolf was not a Good Doctor. He was a Magician of the highest Blues Order, and his music must be played when travelling through the Rockies, when sitting in a crowded van full of sweaty farting musicians.
No, Good Doctor is going the sneak in with his large core needle and just snip a few pieces of Lump, while Lump is all frozen and not thinking that someone might want a piece of him. Lump says in his best Al Pacino voice, ”You wanna piece of me copper! Just try. Just try because I got my buddies Jugular and Carotid right behind me, and if you fuck up, they will bleed you out in seconds.”
Lump is such a Drama Queen. Meanwhile, I am lying there in the gurney, thank God there is no Big Chill music pumping in the background. Real doctors don’t need their own soundtrack, like the Hollywood variety. They just get on with it,
I hear this clicking sound, like the guy who constantly presses the top of his ballpoint pen. To be precise, the thrust device, as the ballpoint experts advise. Thrust Device or Cam: This is a marvel of mechanical engineering that controls whether the cartridge is extended or retracted. It’s responsible for All. That. Clicking.
Good Doctor likes his clicker. His core needle. His thrust device, which is clicking like a pump now, gathering more information from Lump than even Lump can imagine. In the end, all will be revealed. Actually, 5 to 7 business days, Good Doctor advises. For those at home keeping score, 5-7 business days. This is what we call in the Sales business, the delay tactic, or how to manage the client’s expectations. Promise less, and deliver early.
Apparently while I have been busy explaining this biopsy procedure in great detail, from multiple points of view, Good Doctor has been busy carving Lump a new asshole.
Sorry, Lump, that was crude and unnecessary.
Some might say Lump is crude and unnecessary.
Lump says stick around, buddy, the show is just getting started here.
The Main Event is coming.
Kid Cardio vs. The Big C.
Good Doctor is done. Lump is still frozen, but Good Nurse ( the Sandra Oh character) says put some frozen peas on Lump later, it helps with the swelling and bruising.
Oh, swell, says Lump. How Swellegant!
Swellegant: nifty, witty, swank, jazzy and maybe a trifle gay.
Swell + ellegant.
Coined by Cole Porter.
Use in a sentence: The lump was absolutely swellegant!
What a swellegant Lump I am, says Lump, clearly enjoying all the attention.
Cue the Fred Astaire, Gene Kelly and Donald O’Connor dance medley while we watch the coming attraction: THE FINAL DIAGNOSIS.
Perhaps not so final…..stay tuned. Same Lump time. Same Lump channel.