The Best End of the World Ever
Today is the end of the world.
It had been coming for a while now. It was what we promised, and we will deliver to your door with Uber End of the World tm service.
Today is the first day of the end of the world.
The end is what you asked for, and gosh darn, the end is what you will have my dears. As they say in Georgia, what’ll you have, what’ll you have? If you are still waiting for jet packs and moving sidewalks, there are lots of clouds in the sky to yell at.
Let me start again. This post is sounding all doom and gloomy. What we want is more rock, less talk.
Today is the day that all the wars will end. Today no one will go hungry. Today all of the billionaires will be rounded up and shot at dawn. Israel will be tried for war crimes, and you can watch it on your watch. There I go again.
Fresh page.
I have been up since 4:30. 4:30 was actually 5:30 just last week. We turned the clocks back one hour. These time changes distort our reality, ruin our inner time clocks, upset our bowels, make us real cranky.
But hey, why stop at one hour? If we can turn back time, lets go way back.Into the Way Back Machine,Sherman. Back to the time of Cave Man and Cave Woman. And Cave Trans Woman. And the little Baby Jesus. But wait! There’s more!!!
Can we turn the clocks back 8 years to the golden age of Obama? Why did he have to make that joke about Donald Trump at that Press Club dinner?
What’s up doc? Should we have turned left at Albuquerque?
There is a 50/50 chance Donald Trump will be elected and the world will end. On day one of his administration, he will line up all his enemies and shoot them.
Live. On television. Pay per view, of course. All news is pay per view. Tarantino will direct, whether he wants to or not. All the money will go to the Empire, who is really the Orange Emperor. Who has no clothes that any self respecting person would wear. Today dull fashion ends, and a shiny new fascism begins.
Or does it? Most likely there will be many races too close to call. Recounts will take place. Hanging chads will seem like a dream come true compared to the chaos that awaits.
Today is like a slo-mo movie, when time doesn’t just stop, it goes right out the window. Looney Land is our Land. Loony Land is your Land. From the Redwood Forest to the Iceland Island. From the melting ice cap to the other melting ice cap.
Iced caps for everyone! Ice capades and ice crap. Canapés and Carnage.
The world ends with a whimper and a Wall. Why stop at Mexico? Walls will be built everywhere. All the rich folk have the best walls. You can read all about it in this month’s Walls and Garden. Magazines will come back. The internet will be shut down.
And pandemics? We will have the best pandemics ever, now that RFK Jr. and his Worm are in charge of Health. All the kids will get smoothies, made with real organic carrots, and apples, plus crickets for protein.
When the Revolution comes, the rich will be lined up against the wall, redneck mothers. We will let the children throw the first stones. More rocks, less talks.
But wait until you see the End Of The World on TikTok. Tick tock, tick tock, tick, tick,tick.
Today is the end of the world. The swamp will be drained. America’s lost honour will be found. The Deep State will be exposed. Jimmy Hoffa will be found. Everyone who was lost will be found. All those kids on the milk cartons, and even those poor kids trapped in the basements of pizza parlours. They will all be found, and set free. Except the kids at the border. They will be sent back to Lebanon or Honduras or where ever they came from. Honduras? Is that where Hondas come from?
We will go back to wondering if the KC Chiefs will ever lose. If Lebron will lead the Lakers to the Finals. What if Israel is not satisfied with bombing Lebanon, and bombs Lebron instead? What if?
It will be the best end of the world ever!
They said it could not be done, and we did it on day one.
“Ever since the world ended
I don't go out as much
People that I once befriended
Just don't bother to stay in touch
Things that used to seem so splendid
Don't really matter today
It's just as well the world ended
It wasn't working anyway”
Mose Allison
Damn! If I had known the world was ending I would have gotten my books back to the library in time...
Thank you for that report, Dense. Now over to Al for sports ... and don't forget, for a small monthly fee in perpetuity because there is no unsubscribe option, you can have the end of the world with limited commercial interruptions.