Strange Cutlery

This was going to be one of those observational humour pieces, ala Seinfeld, but then I forgot what I was going to talk about. This forgetting is becoming part and parcel , as they say, of my new life. Like the neuropathology that plagues my feet.

I am literally walking on pins and needles. Puffy pins and needles. Peripheral neuropathy is what they call it.

According to Dr. Google, various therapies and procedures might help with the symptoms of peripheral neuropathy.

1. Scrambler therapy. This treatment uses electrical impulses to send non pain messages to the brain.

2. Oh great! I have pain in my feet, and now they want to scramble my brain.

   My inner Jewish mother says, “What is it always about the scrambling with you?”

3. What is a “non pain” message? My inner Henny Youngman looks for the wife joke.

4. Do lists help? Four out of five doctors say yes, but I’m going to have to charge you.

5. I was going to leave it there, but 4’s. Bad luck to end on a 4. My inner drummer voice starts riffing on paradiddles. Which frankly sounds like an Olympic event for Republicans. Vance is doing a double-triple-paradiddle with an Olympic regulation couch. High marks from the Russian judge, who curiously uses the same eyeliner.

6. I just remembered what my initial observation was that started this post. Am I the only guy who empties the dishwasher, only to find Strange Cutlery, you know the cheap forks that must have come home from work, because there is no way my wife would buy cheap cutlery. My inner “woke” voice says, What is it with you and the word wife?

7. Is weird the worst epithet that we can come up for Back to Coat Hanger Nazis?

8. Now that brain scientists have invented how to colour margarine without the separate colour packet, can we work on inventing a new drink for astronauts? Four out of five Jamaican scientists prefer Ting!

9. What is it with White Fish? It sounds racist. My inner atheist screams I DON’T BELIEVE IN COD AND YOU CANT MAKE ME!

10. Come see the Nightflower Orchestra tonight at the Princeton. Music starts at 9:30, but be there by 7 to get a table.