Sometimes You Have To Wear the Stretchy Pants
Back in 2006, we were living in the White House in White Rock. We had moved there in 2005, when my favourite daughter was 12. Michelle’s Dad Pat was living with us, or rather we were living with him, as he was there first, there being his house and all. Actually, half of the house was his, while the other half was ours, as we had purchased it from his ex-wife. But that is a whole different soap opera.
Pat was living with cancer, a cancer that would take his life in 2006. We all have fond memories of Pat, and of that house and those times. Michelle and I were married in the backyard between the three tall trees. We would order baked spaghetti. We invited friends from the Big City to visit us on New Years Day for a polar bear swim in our frozen pool.
My favourite daughter and I would watch movies together. At a certain point, children start telling you what to watch. Somewhere between “Dad, Cinderella, now available on video”, and the 40 Year Virgin, “ Dad, I shouldn’t be watching this”, we watched Nacho Libre, with Jack Black.
"When you are a man, sometimes you wear stretchy pants in your room. It's for fun."
Sure, keep telling yourself that is the reason why you are wearing the stretchy pants. For fun. Comfort is also essential, especially when emotionally eating. It is best not to constrict yourself with skinny jeans and a muffin top. Try wearing a loose black shirt with a long tie, as the tie will draw the eye’s attention lower than the belt line.
Are stretchy pants an honest strategy to aid in digestion? Or are they public enemy #1 in the big coverup? Here I was living in White Rock on the dark side of 40, and semi-retired from the music industry. I was on hiatus, or as I joked with my friend and drummer Andy Graffiti at the Jazzmanian Devils 20th reunion, “isn’t hiatus what they say when your friends don’t call you anymore?” Phones work both ways.
For whatever the reason, I was nesting. Nacho Libre was one of our favourites, along with Napoleon Dynamite, and Taladega Nights (cue the “just sitting here in my dirty pee pants scene”).
The danger in stretchy pants, and there is a danger, is that your wallet is prone to fall out in the strangest places. However, it can normally be found in the couch, if you dig deep enough. God know what else you might find in the couch. Money for sure, old potato chip fragments, and old fortune cookie fortunes ( A man is coming to meet you.)
Now that I am 65, I am feeling the lure of stretchy pants again. My personal rule was that stretchy pants are ok for lounging at home on the couch, and it is ok to wear stretchy pants to walk the dog. Hell, even pyjama bottoms are ok for early in the morning dog walks. But wearing stretchy pants in public is strictly verboten, especially in places where your punk rock friends might be there to pass judgement. Hen again, my standards are slipping. And when your standards start slipping, it’s not long before your Stanfields start showing. I must admit that I have even worn them to work. I care less and less about what other people think.
I know, it is slippery slope. First you start wearing the stretchy pants in public, then before you know it, you are seen wearing a colander on your head on the bus, with a plastic bag on the colander to cover the wholes in the rain, along with those dental mirrors fastened to both your legs sides of the colander so you can see who is coming up behind you. I note the last detail was witnessed firsthand on a city bus many years ago. You can see how quickly you can lose all self-respect, once you forgo pants and a belt. Yes, I said forgo, and I know it looks funny, but forgo is a real word. Here are the rules of Forgo:
It may be best to forgo chewing sticky candy to protect your teeth.
Until the afternoon, I will forgo being outside because I don’t want to get skin cancer again.
Dylan decided to forgo watching the hockey game in favor of going electric.
Many children decide to forgo wearing coats, while many men and women over 60 decide to forgo having any self-respect. This is why they think it is perfectly acceptable to wear the stretchy pants in all private and public situations.