Now You Tell Me….

“All I ask
Don't tell anybody the secrets
Don't tell anybody the secrets
I told you”

These immortal lyrics are from Metal Firecracker by Lucinda Williams. What good is a secret if you tell someone? This is the question that Michael Slepian, who is an associate professor of leadership and ethics at Columbia University, wrote in his book, The Secret Life Of Secrets. Slepian explores the secrets we keep, why we keep them, and how these secrets can shape our lives.

1. Is anyone being harmed by the information being contained?

2. Is this something that will eventually be learned, or could be learned through some means other than your telling?

3. Would the other person expect you to share this with them?

‘If you answer yes to these questions, you should likely confess, and take control over how others learn the information.

On the flipside, though, some secrets are doing no real harm in remaining secret – and could do more harm if they were to be revealed.

What I am about to tell you is not a secret per se, but there is new information that is being revealed to me every day. In Cancerland, they don’t hit you all at once with all the information. There are many messengers, and many new messages. As Jack Nicholson once said, “You can’t handle the truth.”

The truth is every cancer and every person with cancer is different. It is a journey, “a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma.” They neglect to finish the sentence with rolled in corn flour, deep fried, covered in cheese and tomato sauce, broiled so the cheese gets all crispy, and followed with shots of tequila. Many shots of tequila.

If we take this analogy to its logical conclusion, there will be heartburn, indigestion, puking at 3:00 am, stumbling in the front door only to collapse on the kitchen floor, then hours later, while heeding nature’s call, you try to pick yourself up off the floor and the pool of sick you had been sleeping in, you try to find enough balance to stand, only to lose control of your bowels, ruining your white pants, you try to maneuver going down the stairs, stumbling, deciding that you can either slide to the bottom, or go down one step at a time on your bum, further impacting the crap into your white pants, crawling to the shower where you manage to peel off your shitty clothes and turn on the water, too hot at first, WAY TOO FUCKING HOT AT FIRST, try not to scream. all the time desperately trying to be so quiet so as not to wake your conscience, who is your wife, because….well, just because. Best not to wake them until the shower has sobered you to the point where you can clean up your own mess. Then…

How was your evening?

Not bad. It all got a bit boring, so I came home early. I just made some muffins. Did you want one? God, you look beautiful in the morning. Has anyone told you that before? Really? Who? Because I can’t stand the idea of another man telling youthis before me.

Secrets. Yesterday, I went to the audiologist to get my hearing checked out. It was not the first time I have had that done, that was a few years ago. The results, Then and Now is that I have some hearing loss, particularly in certain higher frequencies, and certain sounds, like words that end with the “CH” sound.

What, like “bitch”? No, what I said was that this is delicate situation. A sitch.

What a mess. The hearing test is to establish a baseline, as one of the many side effects of the chemo or radiation is hearing loss. And ringing in the ears. And ringing in the ears. And ringing it in the ……will someone please pick up the goddam phone?

Doesn’t sound like a phone. Sounds more like the ocean. Ok then, will someone please pick up up the goddam ocean?

Later that day I had a Zoom call with my new speech therapist. Do I sound like I need a speech therapist? No, you thound fine, but shide effects of the chemo and radiation are loss of voith, due to the impact on shalibery glands, the ability to swallow, no sense of taste, weight loss et cetera. Do you see what I mean about telling secrets?

Is this really information that I need to be thinking about?

Yes. It is the truth, or to be hopeful, one of many truths or alternative realities that may or may not come to pass. Realities like trismus. You jaw could get trismus, which is defined as such:

Trismus is the difficulty of opening the mouth. Trismus may also be called restricted mouth opening. Trismus can be a side effect of head and neck cancers.

Trismus does not sound like fun. Trismus does not sound like Christmas. Perhaps a new word would be better. A rebranding. I will call it Tiramisu. Which in Italian means Pick Me Up. Which in my world means mascarpone, chocolate, ladyfingers soaked booze and coffee. Our wedding cake.

And who among you would turn down ladyfingers soaked in booze and coffee? Why Little Miss, I would never turn down your ladyfingers. Allow me to turn down the sheets, turn down the music, turn down the lights, put down my lightsaber, and let the soaking in booze begin in earnest.

I am slowly realizing that there is a whole lot of things I have yet to learn. So many things. This “adventure “ in Cancerland is not like the travel brochures. There are more rides than advertised. They may have some hidden beaches, and I’m sure that there are thousands of secret safe words that I have yet to learn. The important thing on any adventure is to pack enough clean underwear, and have a great travel partner. And I have the best travel partner.

The tour bus may get crowded, but there is plenty of room here for all of you to come along for the ride. Or rides. Lots of crazy rides. Hold on tight! It may get a bit bumpy along the way.

if you are here reading the free THIS IS NOT MUSIC!, you can relax and enjoy. If you feel like contributing to my “stay at home and write” project, consider becoming a paid subscriber. Consider it a Gofundme, but with the benefit of my fancy words.

For those friends here in Vancouver, The Judys are playing a show at Container Brewing at 1216 Franklin Street. It will be our last show for an indefinite time. Hopefully we will be back in the Fall, if all goes well.

We are joined with our friends 20 Explosive Hits.

As I will be undergoing my treatment for chemo and radiation by then, I have asked many of our local stars to come and sing some of our Judy classics for me. We are calling this show The Night of A Thousand Judys.

Tickets for The Night of A Thousand Judys