July in August

Do you ever listen to a book being read while driving? While highly enjoyable, this practice has its inherent dangers- the least being mild distraction, and at worse coffee all over the dashboard and premature death.

The other morning I was listening to Miranda July read her book The First Bad Man. I had enjoyed Miranda reading her new book All Fours. I finished that one a few months ago. Her writing is so funny, her characters fully fleshed. But the real joy of July is her voice.

Not everyone is a great “reader”, or a performer of their own work. The fact that Miranda July is an actress provides a clue as to how well she inhabits these characters. I freely admit that I find her voice strangely intoxicating. I can’t seem to get enough of it.

I was stopped in traffic on Grandview near Boundary, listening to her relate her infatuation with a baby, imaging this baby to be her future husband. This type of neurotic wish fulfillment is common in a July story. But her voice…..

More than the endless Uhms of Justin Trudeau, more than the sexy vocalizing “hmmms” of Anna Marie Tremonti

After discussing war crimes with Henry Kissinger, Anna Maria Tremonti asked the celebrity statesman: “Couldn’t you also be vulnerable to those kinds of charges?”

“Who?” Kissinger responded, sounding surprised.

“You.”

“Me personally?” His surprise had turned to anger.

“Mmm Hmm.”

At the same time I see three identical large black SUVs, one with red and blue lights briefly flashing on the outside opposing lane going by. Police maneuver? Motorcade?

Just then I looked up to realize there is no traffic ahead of me ………and a bunch of cars behind me, waiting for me to break out of my Miranda July spell and get back to driving. They had not resorted yet to honking or even fist waving, but even a non-observant idiot could see that potential road rage was brewing.

This situation reminds me of the phrase “of two minds”, which usually means an inner pulling of two opposing avenues of thought, and not literally having two brains.

In our daily world of multitasking, it is not uncommon to have at least two minds on the go. I have two computer screens on the go at work, with anywhere from 3-10 windows open on each screen at the same time. I have a desk phone and a cell phone, which frequently go off at the same time, creating unanswerable conflicts and anxiety. I was taught to answer the phone when it rings!!

With the advent of cell phones, no one is ever truly away from work. Since the pandemic, it is more acceptable of people to work from home. But in the eyes of some employers, working from home means the employee is not working most of the day. They are playing with their cat or their dogs, amusing themselves on social media, which to be fair, could conceivably part of their job.

The issues of distractive driving and multitasking share the same parents. And no slight to the gray state of Florida, their parents were cousins.

On one shaking hand we have people doing multiple jobs, while being paid for one ( sound familiar?) Then there is the other shaking hand reaching for the coffee go cup, the cell phone ringing, the dog jumping into the front seat, all the while holding the steering wheel, and trying to avoid all the many moving distractions, like unlicensed bicyclists, electric bikes with no helmets, motorized scooters- don’t scoff, try jumping into traffic to avoid being run over by on the sidewalk. Don’t forget the skateboarders, the motorcycles, the golf carts. The trucks- big rigs and Dodge Rams with wheels the size of your entire car.

But it’s not just vehicles, but pedestrians. There are all kind of crazy these days. Strung out or wired drug addicts, mentally ill people having visions, the spare changers, window washers, naked people, people defecating on the sidewalk, you know, normal life in the big city.

Rarely do I venture into the fast lane. You are being passed on the highway because you are only going 19 km over the speed limit, while the asshole tailgating you wants to go 20 Km over the limit—with no visible open spaces on the road.

How about the guys who do the three lane changes with no signalling?

What are the 4 Types of Distractions While Driving?

• Visual Distractions. The trio of SUVs, pop ups in the cellphone, notifications, how did that coffee cup get on the floor?

• Manual Distractions. Driving into the sun. A front window that is so dirty-no matter how many times you clean it, it still has residual blotches or streaks that won’t go away.

• Auditory Distractions. Miranda July, or the corgi that requires a date with the euthanasian(?), any song by Taylor Swift, the sound of Donald Trump’s voice on a chalkboard,

• Cognitive Distractions. Cognitive distractions? What does he mean by cognitive? Come on! Just because a guy is too old to drive doesn’t mean they can’t run a country? I mean how much brain power does it take to push one button? Can you get me the King of Wyoming on the phone? Now!

The rich and powerful have handlers. Those who ride bikes only have handle bars. Many have no helmets to protect what little brains they have in their heads. Little squirrel brains with their nuts tucked in their tight shiny bike shorts.

Then there are the drunk or stoned folks who can’t handle the bars but still do. Handle the bars that is.

And I’m supposed to be concerned about July in August?

Read me my Miranda rites.