Invisible Eggs, Magic Mouthwash, and the Incredible Shrinking Lump

As I was coming out if the Cancer Agency this morning, I saw a man sitting on a park bench in the sun smoking a cigarette, and I thought to myself, “ That’s a special kind of stupid.”

Magical Thinking at best. Certainly a prisoner of his addictions. It is no secret that tobacco, with all of its tars and formaldehyde in a cigarette form, is dangerous, habit forming, addictive, and deadly. Many a friend has struggled to quit. And for sure there will be some of them who do not get cancer, or heart disease or any of the other horrible diseases that come from the ashtray. They will smoke and drink and dance the hoochie-koo, love them some big ass beef, listen to Garth Brooks, (or Miles Davis). There is no end to the contradictions in this life.

But I’m not here to get high and mighty. Not here to climb up on my high horse, and lecture the deplorables. Not here to play the comparison game of which is better. I’m just noting the ripples in the pool, and looking for a good rock to throw.

My boss is passionate about veganism, but loves honey. She was remarking yesterday about the Invisible Egg Vegan, who is into a vegan lifestyle, but will eat invisible eggs.

An invisible Egg is the egg overlooked, as opposed to the egg overcooked, or even over easy. It is the egg already baked inside the muffin or cookie. It’s invisibility is only in the way the consumer chooses not to see it. Vegans are not the only segment of consumers that consciously or unconsciously overlook ingredients.

From an early age, we taught our daughter to look at the ingredients. She is a very creative baker and maker of interesting food. She is conscious of all the ingredients she uses, generally knows what purpose each ingredient serves in the recipe. This knowledge and inquisitive nature allows her the perspective to design and create new flavours.

She had this nature before our nurturing. From an early age, she was always making her own concoctions. Michelle would take her to the store and suggest she could pick one treat. She would say dipp’ums, and Michelle would say no, pick something else. Take a look at the ingredients and tell me if you really wanna eat that. In the end, she would choose something like fruit leather or a juice, essentially real food. And in this way, we taught her how to make her own choices in an educated manner.

I am almost at the halfway stage of my treatments. So far the side effects of been manageable, but I can feel the beginnings of the side effects that that I was warned about at the beginning of the treatments. One of the most common side effects of radiation treatments is what they call oral mucositis, which essentially means sores in your mouth and throat. This condition leads to what is known as dry mouth, where your salivary glands, at worst, can become impaired to the point of not working.

The side effects from the chemotherapy have been fairly mild for me, concentrating on the hiccups. I have not suffered the nausea and vomiting that many people experience. Not yet at least. A possible reason is that the chemo in my case is an adjunct treatment to the radiation. When this condition of dry mouth occurs, there are some remedies to provide relief. One of these remedies is called Magic Mouthwash.

Being a smart ass, I had to ask,”What makes it magic?” To which they laughed. I am king of the bad dad jokes after all. But seriously, why is it called magic mouthwash? It’s not a brand name. This is a product that you get from the pharmacy where they have to compound it, meaning they put it together in the back room. I asked the pharmacist. They were not amused. Or revealing as to what the Magic was.

When on the phone renewing my prescriptions at Shoppers Drug Mart, I said I would need an order of magic mouthwash, to which they replied, “That will take about 48 hours for us to put together, and we need a prescription.” So when I was speaking with my oncologist, and I mentioned this, she suggested that I go to MacDonald’s pharmacy. They have about four locations in town, and a long history in Vancouver for providing these specialty type of medical products. MacDonalds was also the pharmacy that I went to when I bought my compression socks. We travelled to Europe in the fall, and my doctor had advised me to buy two pairs. In the end, I only used one of them.

Compression socks are expensive, particularly when you consider it’s just pair of socks. Except, they are not just socks. They perform a function that regular socks cannot. And if you have trouble with circulation, you don’t want a blood clot in your legs at high altitudes with no access to medical care. The price of a pair of socks is worth admission.

At the pharmacy, they said it would take a few minutes to make up the magic mouthwash. There are about four different ingredients in the magic mouthwash, including Nystatin, which is used to treat the fungus or thrush that can develop from the oral mucositis. It also contains Benadryl, and hydrocortisone, in a solution of distilled water. This Magic concoction comes in a Big Gulp 1 L size. It is a bright pink colour. Because it is compounded, it must be used within 14 days and stored in the refrigerator. You are also required to shake it before using as the nystatin sinks to the bottom.

One of the features of the Magic Mouthwash is that its ok to swallow it. Which brings us to the age old question, what’s it going to be. To spit or to swallow.

The benefit of swallowing the magic mouthwash is that it coats the throat with the pain relieving properties. When first speaking with the nurse about magic mouthwash, I asked her if she had ever heard of oil pulling. “No what’s that”, she asked.

Oil pulling is an ancient, Indian folk remedy that claims to whiten your teeth, freshen your breath, and greatly improve your oral health by drawing out toxins.

Using virgin coconut oil for oil pulling is common. You place a small amount of coconut oil in your mouth, then try to “pull” it through your teeth, swishing it around the mouth. Ideally, you’re supposed to do this for around 10 to 20 minutes, but frankly, that is too long for me. One other benefit of oil pulling is the pleasant coconut flavour in your mouth afterwards. You are not encouraged to consume the coconut oil in the process of pulling the oil, as swallowing the toxins from your mouth defeats the purpose of ridding your body of toxins. If you swallow, you’re not ridding; you’re relocating. You are advised not to spit it out in the sink or toilet, because coconut oil becomes a solid at certain temperatures, which can create a new hassle of having to clean the clogs in your pipes.

So here we are back to the eternal questions of whether to spit or swallow, and how to clean the clogs in your pipes. In the title, I promised you an update on the Incredible Shrinking Lump.

Lump is very concerned with the weight loss program that I have him on. He said to me the other day,” I am half the lump that I used to be.”

Today the doctors concurred. So that’s the good news. For all the side effects, I may be suffering, the cancer is growing smaller, and the treatment seems to be working.

This weekend, The Judys are playing at Container Brewing in the parking lot on the back end of a truck. The weather will be fantastic, 20 Explosive Hits will also be playing in this extravaganza that I call A Night of A Thousand Judys. I have recruited the best talent to sing the songs that I have written with my beloved band.

My plan is to go into the recording studio and record these versions. It is quite a gift to hear other people singing your songs. Everybody brings something different to the table. Eddy D., short for Dutchman, is singing Judy’s Got a Big Mouth, which includes the following shout out to Eddy D:

She likes cats

And Eddy D.

But as a friend

Not sexually

And there is nothing wrong about any of that. There is so much love. Thank you my friends. We have lots more fun ahead of us.