Fear Of Cancer

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow." ― Mary Anne Radmacher.

A week or two ago, I had a brief moment where I broke down and cried for the first time in this whole cancer journey. My emotions overcame me. It didn’t last long, only a few minutes. But I was feeling exhausted by the long haul. Call it my cancer fatigue.

I tend to keep my feelings bottled up. Drive them into my gut like Hank Hill. On the surface I register as calm, brave even. Am I fearless? I have many fears, but I don’t think of myself as fearless. Dense? Unconscious. Removed. Controlled. I don’t let fears run my life. I don’t have the time or luxury to stop and feel sorry for myself.

I am a guy who has cancer. Now, I’m a guy who had cancer. I won’t find out for sure for another three months. But I believe we have this. Clearly I’m not dead, and I have no plans on dying anytime soon. I have too much to do.

But it is interesting to talk a bit here about fear and words like bravery and fearlessness and courage, especially as they relate to the word cancer. It has been interesting to witness the varied responses that people have had to cancer, and in part, my journey in Cancerland.

To put it plainly, there are some people who demonstrate incredible care, while others simply disappear. Do the kids call it ghosting? Are they unable to show care, or are they simply incapable of showing care, due to their own fears? Are they so involved in their own lives that they literally can’t be bothered to just call and say how is it going?

I’m not asking for casseroles here, although people apparently did do that at one time. That would have been helpful to poor Michelle, who has had to be there every day of this journey, or ordeal, as it has been an ordeal, especially for her, let’s not kid ourselves. Are they thinking that they just don’t know what to say? What if I give “this cancer” a pass, and catch up with you on the next one?

Is this something that we should discuss? How should we talk about this? Do we even want to talk to about it? I just keep moving, like a shark. I have to focus on the next steps, and what it takes to get there. But it nags at me. I can’t help but wonder why. I have friends who barely know me, who have shown more concern than those who have known me all my whole life. Are they just better people?

The vast majority have been very supportive, some amazingly so. I have a core of friends who volunteer to help. They have helped me so much during the past three months, driving me to treatments, picking me up, helping me with errands. Their love has been phenomenal. It is almost overwhelming at times, just seeing how much they care and how they show that they care. People like that don’t ever ask for thanks, although I thank them. They are not asking for recognition. It’s just what they do. Why change?

Everyone deals with these things differently. Some people are just not good with dealing with stressful situations. What can be more stressful than cancer?

Except I’m the one who has the cancer here. They don’t have cancer. They just can’t deal with it.

I was speaking with a close friend whose partner lives with what we will call an incurable disease. Their only siblings do not call. How do they live with themselves? What will they say when their brother or sister is gone? I wish….I wish…I wish I had said something. I wish I had done something. That is a regret that I don’t wish on anyone.

Is it fear of the word cancer itself? Is that fear so strong that people are afraid they will catch it? Most cancers are not contagious. Even viral cancers, like the HPV one that I have. The HPV might have been contagious at one point, some 40 years ago, Still most people do not come down with delayed cancer. It just passes through our wonderful bodies. When you consider all the crap and poisons that we daily subject ourselves to in this life, is it any wonder that more and more people are even having cancers?

Current estimates are that about 40% of the cancers in developed countries are due to lifestyle choices. Those choices can be drinking alcohol, or smoking cigarettes. Our government tells us that there are no safe levels of drinking. They put warnings on cigarette packages, very graphic warnings of cancer risks. But these same governments makes so much money on cigarettes and alcohol, that while, like a good nanny, they can say that it is extremely bad for you, they keep on selling them with a straight face. Mary Poppins with her hand in your wallet. Not content to reap the profits of alcohol and cigarettes, governments are now promoting other drugs, selling dope, giving out free drugs, promoting gambling. The list goes on with their craven hypocrisy.

Today, cancer treatments are much better at helping people. It’s like they have this down to a science. Still, there exists this fear, as soon as the word cancer is uttered. So contagions are not the issue.

What is it that causes this fear? My Mother always said she hoped she would never get cancer, because her head was too small for a good wig. Seriously, she said that. Repeatedly. It was kind of cute, in a way.

Does this fear or reticence to respond come from the after effects of social media? Is it part of our post pandemic fear of people in general? I think on some level, many people felt better during the pandemic. They liked only seeing their bubbles. They kind of enjoyed the social distancing, because it reinforced their latent fear of others.

One thing we can be sure of is that people were definitely affected by the lockdowns; witness the mental health challenges that some of our friends suffer from today. Some people just changed, and then they didn’t change back. They are afraid of everything.

“Fears of cancer emanate from a core view of cancer as a vicious, unpredictable, and indestructible enemy, evoking fears about its proximity, the (lack of) strategies to keep it at bay, the personal and social implications of succumbing, and the fear of dying from cancer. “

This statement comes from a group of scientists who examined this question with an interesting paper. What do people fear about cancer-a systematic review and meta‐synthesis of cancer fears in the general population.*

Researchers found that in approximately a quarter of all included studies, cancer fear was linked to views of cancer as ‘an enemy’. Participants talked about cancer as if it were not just a disease, but a sentient persona with malicious personality traits, such as viciousness, unpredictability, and indestructibility.

People described cancer as lurking inside you, spreading stealthily and inescapably. By the time it reveals itself, it is believed to be too late to do anything, which creates a sense of betrayal: The cancer is a traitor…Remember the cancer is also a part of us, it is our own cells rebelling against us. You can be examined all the time… and nothing comes up, and then, one day you find out that you have cancer, and it may be too late. Echoing its strong association with death, cancer is seen as an indiscriminate killer that can return endlessly despite all the treatments.

Just by worrying, is it possible to become sick? Can you worry yourself into cancer? Some people believe that thinking or even talking about cancer is risky, fear that even uttering the word [cancer] might result in getting the disease, and thus avoid the topic of cancer. Cancer was sometimes seen as a punishment for sins or bad karma.

“He kept all those negative emotions inside, and it turned into cancer.”

In 2005, another group of scientists thought that they found the specific gene for fear, an exact gene that controls production of a protein in the region of the brain linked to fearful responses.

The gene, known as stathmin or oncoprotein 18, is highly concentrated in the amygdala, a region of the brain associated with fear and anxiety .

The gene may control both learned and innate fear, researchers say.

Research shows that the stress hormone cortisol can make the difference between being brave or a fearful. Those who rise to the challenge do not experience the cortisol rush of those who fall to pieces when the going gets tough.

I find it hard to believe that there are people who really do not care. Perhaps they are just fearful to express their emotions and fears? What is it that they fear here? That they might find a closeness or discover a new intimacy?

People often talk about courage and cancer. What about courage? How do we define that? According to Professor Daniel Putman, "Courage involves deliberate choice in the face of painful or fearful circumstances for the sake of a worthy goal. There is a close connection between fear and confidence.”

He further states, "The ideal in courage is not just a rigid control of fear, nor is it a denial of the emotion. The ideal is to judge a situation, accept the emotion as part of human nature. and we hope, use well-developed habits to confront the fear and allow reason to guide our behavior toward a worthwhile goal."

There needs to be a balance between fear and confidence when facing a threat, otherwise we will not have the courage to overcome it. "If the two emotions are distinct, then excesses or deficiencies in either fear or confidence can distort courage."

Courage does not mean that you are not afraid, it just means that you are willing to face the challenges that lay ahead of you. The Tao Te Ching contends that courage is derived from love, translated as: "From love one gains courage.".

“And one has to understand that braveness is not the absence of fear but rather the strength to keep on going forward despite the fear.” — Paulo Coelho

Keep the people you love close to you. Their love will give you courage. Love will help you with your fears. I know that is true in my case. I had my conversations with God when I had my bypass. I made the deals, I broke the promises. This cancer fight is yet another challenge. And what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. I’m thinking that I’m going to be strong as fuck when all this is said and done. Which is funny, because even now at almost three months, I know it will never be over. Cancer will be a part of my life as long as I live. There will always be cancer, beaten or not, lurking, sleeping, and present. I can fear it, and let that fear rule my life. Or I can accept it as a part of me, like my beautiful feet, or my sagging ass. I look forward to those days of acceptance.

*Charlotte Vrinten,1 Lesley M. McGregor, 1 Małgorzata Heinrich, 1 Christian von Wagner, 1 Jo Waller, 1 Jane Wardle, 1 , † and Georgia B. Black