CARING IS THE COOLEST THING

I am surrounded by love and angels. They are everywhere. The kindness and being that is coming into my life right now is humbling. It is exhilarating and exhausting but most of all it is humbling.

My dream last night was a strange one, but offered insights. We were staying at my sister-in-law’s house, her old house with her abusive ex-husband. In real life, I had never been to this house. His abuse came in the form of control. Everything must be controlled. And when everything is controlled, nothing breathes. Life ceases to sparkle. Wonder is lost.

I could feel this negative force coming from this man. Let me interject here that it makes no difference who this person is, as there are so many like him. I call them Another Goddam Man. This planet is being killed by these men. By this force of evil. It is banal. It is an everyday thing. They wake up demanding.

In the dream, the negative force of these men is the cancer I am killing. I have 4 more weeks of killing before I am free.

Let me stop there and change the focus. Killing is transformation, eliminating the cancer and replacing these cells eventually with good ones. It is a process. I can feel the pain in my throat, my tongue. My challenges with swallowing and stomach upset. But I have to focus on the process. On the goal. Killing is not nice. Killing the bad parts of me should be a bit painful. We are saying goodbye.

Yesterday was another day of radiation. The chemo is used to help the radiation focus on the bad cells, the cancer cells, the Another Goddam man cells. In my dream, 3 was the magic number. Why? I have no clue. 3 strikes you’re out? De La Soul? On the count of three. One. Two. three. Presto!

We were waiting in a room and people were lined up to be fed. Spaghetti, pasta, pizza. All my favourite foods. I am edging closer to the front. I am really hungry but everyone is ahead of me, crowding together, pushing. Will there be anything left when I get there? A boy ahead of me is crying. I try to comfort him. We get up there for the food. Suddenly, most of the food is gone. It appears then disappears before our eyes. I point at a plate of pasta and say,”can I get that one?” They hand it to me but it is changing, diminishing, transforming before me. It is not what I expected.

Cancer killing. Do you know what really is killing the cancer? Caring is killing cancer. It is the coolest thing, Chuck. It is our secret power. The Goddam Man wants you distracted, wants you disabled, wants you living in fear today and shuddering about tomorrow.

But we are a force ourselves. We are an army of caring. I know that. I feel that. I see that everywhere.

Listen for the messages of caring in your life.

Can you hear them calling?

They are all around you and they are inside you. You have to take the time to listen. Be quiet. Be mindful. Listen to your heart. It is a powerful muscle that asks only that you care. It keeps pumping no matter what, but we need to start that caring with self care.

You are worthy of caring. You are a special person who can make a difference. Listen to your body. Give it the healing foods it needs to thrive. You know what they are. You know what they aren’t. Cravings are not caring. They are demanding, like Another Goddam Man. Cravings are abusive. Like Another Goddam Man. Leave them.

Pack up your troubles and leave them. Because love is waiting.

Just outside your door.

Just inside you.

Caring is the coolest thing.

Breathe in the care.

Smile at a stranger.

Do something kind today.

You know what to do.