Body Bibs and Sippy Cups

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be

With the advent of a new year, and a cold snap, my urge to find a uniform that I could put on and never take off became a reality. I went to Uniqlo in Metrotown, and purchased heat tech black sweats, long sleeved shirt, heat tech socks, a “slouchy” toque, black gloves. The only negative to my plan is that black is the new white. What I mean is black clothes are very unforgiving for those of us who are what I will call Messy Eaters. Whether I am eating in front of the TV, or in the car, I am prone to misjudge the food to mouth relationship. My Mom would say “Your eyes are bigger than your stomach”, but I might add, “your fork is bigger than your mouth”. The amount of food on fork is not always commensurate with shape of mouth, and capacity for swallowing.

In other words, I spill food all over my clothes, and, in particular, black clothes in winter show off food almost as bad as white pants in summer.

I was whining about what a mess my sweats looked and Michelle, my beautiful wife, volunteered to wipe them down, then kindly suggested that I just get a body bib, as even a normal large bib would only protect my shirt, not my pants. A body bib?

How does that differ from a body bag? Well, Virginia, consider a body bib as the “before” photo and body bag as the “after” photo.

Being a good shopper, I googled body bib, and found there is a company called Bodybib that makes body bibs for babies to toddlers. But enquiring minds want to know if anyone makes them for adults? Of course they do. Body bibs for dementia patients with zippers in the rear, so enterprising dementia patients don’t unzip themselves, and run around the care home in their disposable diapers, because it is only a one rest stop before they are having a dementia orgy in the lobby.

Google suggests that the appropriate time to stop use of a body bib is at 18-24 months. But wait, isn’t a body bib just a”onesie”? Isn’t that what the cool kids wear? Oh Dad! You are so 2000.

But seriously the wearing of pyjamas in public never goes out of style, because it never was in style. Yet kids of all ages love a onesie. Adults wearing onesies, sucking on soothers, sipping margaritas in the car in their sippy cups. Distracted driving with their ubiquitous “go-cups” of Spanish coffee. Road pops.

Do you realize I am old enough to remember a time when people did not drink coffee as they walked or drove around? Prior to having Starbucks on every corner, in the 90’s, the Starbucks revolution lead to enormous waste of disposable coffee cups, lids, stir sticks. Enterprising entrepreneurs came up with the eco washable go cup, which is available at Costco- get one for every member of the family.

Can you imagine that at one time people actually sat down and had a coffee, preferably in the kitchen? Would your Mom even allow you to eat or drink in a room that wasn’t the kitchen or dining room?

In the 60’s, this slippery slope of sippy cups began with TV tray tables. We could eat in front if the TV if we used a TV tray, those metal folding ones that usually came with a TV tray caddy to hold the family arsenal.

Here we see Mommy and Daddy with their matching tv trays, along with matching ensembles. Everything was matchy-matchy. And the word was good. And everything was simpler and whiter.

The bombing begins in five minutes.

Then again for those who are not ready to go cosplay and become a furry, there is the apron, respected from iron workers to housewives.

Or this….

Or this

This desire to return to what we imagine were simpler times, even earlier ages, turning the clock back to the cradle, where smoothies, soothers and sippies are preserved in stone for the modern Stone Age family.

Nostalgia is a seductive liar.

George Ball

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

Peter de Vries

Don’t drink anything bigger than your head.

Dense Milt

Speaking of drinking, that is all I am doing, speaking about drinking, as I have been dry since March, with the one exception of sampling a stout in summer. I have stopped drinking many times before, but it never stuck.

But radiation made everything taste like astringent metal, so there is no pleasure or point to drinking. Alcohol, that is, as hydration is still recommended. I have been trying all the Zero Beers. My favourite so far is not a beer, but a Cider from the Sober Carpenter.

You don’t notice how big a part of your life alcohol plays until you stop drinking. It has been such a part of my schtick.

Last week I went to the doctor. He found some blood in my alcohol stream.

I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

I’m her all week. Don’t forget to tip your waitress.

Or subscribe to my substack.