All Hell All The Time
Authors note: This Is Not Music! Is intended as a break from reality, and is not to be confused with facts or conspiracy, or the consequences of such. Please support us and give generously, as your comments and financial support are greatly appreciated.
I went to the audiologist this week. I found out that I have lost over 30% of my ability to hear an opposing viewpoint.
This week, I go to the eye doctor. Hopefully, I will get the cataract surgery. Everything is a blur, literally and metaphorically.
I just finished eating a leftover piece of blueberry poundcake, and noticed it was now shaped like the boot of Italy. I crank up today’s playlist, DAF singing Der Mussolini.
From 2020…….
I was excited about the new Netflix series:
The Two Presidents
It’s a crazy caper in a country where they have two Presidents.
The new guy and his wife move in and have their first night in the White House.
In the morning, the New President is up early, excited to start his new administration. Just at that moment, the Old President comes out of the bathroom wearing an old off-white terry cloth robe. He sports a three day beard, not even looking up from his phone, which he pounds away with his very small thumbs.
(Cue laugh track). We open on a small crowd in front of a drooping Washington Monument. This episode sponsored by Pfizer. 2020, 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016. The years blow by like pages of a calendar in the Puerto Rican wind. The Monument regains its rigor, after the nation pops a small blue pill. A shitfaced grimace lingers on the Old President’s orange face and his eyes start to tear up and turn red. The screen switches violently from red to blue, and the crowd grows like the Grinches heart to 10 times bigger.
Over this tableau, the credits run for the Old and New Presidents.
New scene: the New President is in the War Room with his new cabinet, VP, and Generals. They are looking at a board, and one of the Generals has a pointer in his hand.
“He was last seen in the Garden, but he keeps wandering around the grounds, muttering to himself, “I am the Greatest President since Lincoln”.
Cut to the New President who looks to his giggling VP and rolls his eyes.
( Cue laughtrack)
“No, we will work this out. I’m sure if we are patient, he will realize that he lost, and he will leave at some point. “
Pause….
Everybody bursts out laughing!
This is going to be hilarious, kids. The Two Presidents. Could be the bigliest show ever.
Flash forward to 2024:
The Two Presidents (Reboot)
A Ryan Murphy Production
Old President
New President
Orange President
Blue President
Voice over by Morgan Freeman: Well folks, here we are. It’s still a crazy crapper of a country that has two Presidents. We are back in the Lincoln bedroom, changing the sheets, as the help rolls on the new rubber sheets, and fluff the Presidential pillows.
The old new guy wanders from room to room, alternating between mumbles and shouting COME ON! He is throwing punches at phantoms. He is pulling out pins from his Kamala Barbie doll. He is putting his toy soldiers in a box, as Jill told him to start cleaning up the Oval Office.
“How did America get it so wrong?”
“Always blaming it on America when it goes wrong?”
“Who said that?”
“It’s me Joe, The Ghost of Presidents Past.”
“Lincoln?”
“No Joe, it’s me. Your worst nightmare—I’m baaack!”
He screams, as the pages of a calendar violently blow back, 2024, 2023, 2022, 2021, coming to a full stop on January of 2020.
In the orange morning, a new dawn breaks in Washington. The Old Old President is still up, throwing punches at phantoms. Did he jump or was he pushed out?
I could have beat him, he says. They should have let me at him. He is dressed in his boxing shorts, pounding on his wizened chest. He coughs. His Presidential hankie is spotted with red states.
Just at that moment, the New New President comes out of the bathroom wearing a shiny new red satin robe, with an outline of Mussolini on the back.
We hear the voice of Nelson from The Simpsons.
Ha-Ha.
The camera cuts to a huge crowd which has gathered in front of the Washington Monument- a monument to American phallic strength. Oh, boy, the last four years have breezed by. Insurrection, Pandemic mandates, so many checks sent out to keep the people from eating their cats and dogs, the stimulus, the Romulans, lots of bald guys with painted on eye brows, giant torn posters of The Supreme Leader- all hail Bibi the Great, the cashed checks and I.O.U.s scribbled out to Comrade Zelensky. Billions and billions and billions. So many billions blown. The billions,my friend, are blowin’ in the wind. Except it is more than a breeze. More than the usual lobbyist blow jobs. It is a true ill wind, a hurricane of epic proportions. Copies of the Washington Post and the New York Times, the really thick editions, blow by in a warm Puerto Rican wind. Could this be Hurricane Hilary?
A grin appears, like the Cheshire Cat, on the New New Old President’s orange face. His eyes turn red as the screen flickers, morphing from blue to red to blue. Now red. Full on red.
The Old Old President puts on his pair of old x-ray glasses.
Oh say can we see….We can see the Empire has no clothes.
The Empire is naked like a jailbird. Naked to the human eye, we can see that America has had a meltdown. The Washington Monument is drooping again. Maddow and Cooper are hysterical, looking for the mysterious clues that were right in front of them all the time. How could we have so misread the temperature of the nation?
Steve Bannon gleefully rubs his paws together, says,”You put the thermometer in the wrong hole.”
What a fine mess we are in now, Ollie.
New scene: the New New President is in the War Room with his new cabinet, VP, and Generals. They are looking at a white board, all the boards are white.
One of the Generals has a laser pointer.
“He was last seen in the Garden, but keeps wandering around the grounds, muttering to himself, “I am the Greatest President since FDR”.
Cut to the New New President who looks to his bearded VP, rolls his eyes, and points his finger in a circular motion toward his almost assassinated ear.
Cuckoo! Cuckoo! (Cue laugh track)
“No, we will work this out. I’m sure if we are patient, he will realize that he lost, and he will leave at some point. “
Pause.
Everybody bursts out laughing!
This is going to be hilarious, kids. The ratings will be so high. The highest they have ever been. We will all be the highest we have ever been.
The Two Presidents.
Now More Than Ever.
Coming to a reality near you.
