9-1-1--What Is Your Emergency?

A distorted voice on the other end of the phone: “——(non-intelligible mumbling) …..calling from the Oval Office. It’s not safe.”

“Are you able to speak?

Do you feel you are in imminent danger?”

“I’m feeling a bit light headed.”

“Please remain calm. What you are feeling is a normal reaction. Loss of basic rights may induce a feeling of light-headedness. Please explain to us what is the nature of your emergency.”

“(Long pause) He was speaking with the President of South Africa, going on about white genocide, and showing him photos of the Congo and….”

“Did you say Congo?”

“Yes, I know it makes no sense. But I think that may be part of his strategy. “

“Please, do not confuse randomness with strategy. This is very important. Just state clearly and slowly exactly what is happening.”

“He woke up this morning…We hoped he would not wake up, but he woke up. (The distorted voice gets higher and more frantic) and he placed tariffs on apples. All apples.”

“Did you mean Apple? He met with Tim Cook the other day—“

“No. Apples. Not the computer, or i-phones—-the fruit….from Washington State. He said ‘we will build the most beautiful apples and Canada will pay for it.’”

“Don’t you mean the Golden Dome?”

“No. He clearly said Golden Delicious. “

“Is it possible he said Golden Delicious, but was trying to say—“

“Shower?? No, Russia was not mentioned.”

“Perhaps he meant to say build a wall? The Wall is what Mexico is supposed to pay for.”

“No. He said Apple Pay. The apples will pay….He never talks about the Wall anymore. Except for the Great Wall.”

“The Great Wall of China??”

“He says it is a beautiful wall- perhaps the most beautiful. Much larger than his little wall. He was shouting, ‘Make Wall Great Again. Make China pay for it.’”

“Can you see any weapons?”

“Apparently they both have nukes.”

“ I meant in the Oval Office…are there any weapons in the Oval Office?”

“No weapons. Unless we count hammers as weapons. Lots of hammers, and saws. They are building something. He says he doesn’t like Oval. He wants a hexagon shape. He says France will pay for it.”

“Oh, this is bad. Are there any adults in the room?”

“Just Don Jr. and Eric.”

“So no adults in the room.

Is Vance or Rubio there?”

“No. He is all alone, except me. And the boys.”

“And who are you sir?”

“I’m the Pillow Guy.”

“The Pillow Guy?”

“Yes. Comey sent me.”

“Mark Carney sent you?”

“No, Comey. The old FBI chief. I know a guy who knows a guy.”

“Let me get this straight. You’re the Pillow Guy, and you know a guy who knows a guy?”

“Yeah. I know it sounds crazy. I was on a special mission. I was to present him with a Gold Pillow, and convince him to let me show him how to use it.”

“Don‘t you use it like any other pillow?”

“No. It’s a special pillow. Designed by the spooks at the CIA. They call it an “86” pillow. I need to show a guy how to use it.”

“Ok. Let me get this straight. You are the Pillow Guy, who knows a guy who knows a guy, and you are there to show a guy how to use a pillow?”

“Correct.”

“Just out of curiosity, what is the correct way to use an 86 pillow? Isn’t a pillow just a pillow?”

“A Gold 86 Pillow should only be used in extreme situations. Clearly, this is an extreme situation.”

“So what exactly is the emergency here?”

“I am so light headed I can’t remember the instructions.”

“Right. I understand. Is he still breathing?”

“Yes.”

“This is an emergency.”

“I know. I just can’t remember how to make this work.”

“ It is alright. We have access to the instructions here.

We suggest you send the Boys out of the room.”

“How do I do that ?”

“Tell them a wealthy Arab is outside and he wants to give them lists of money. “

“Lists of money?”

“Yes the special lists Elon secured from DOGE. Lists that show where all the money is. Just do it. Now.

Are they gone?”

“Yes. As soon as I said money, they were gone.”

“Perfect. Now listen very closely. Is he conscious?”

“That is in dispute. His eyes are open, his tiny hands are making salute shapes, and he continues to make pronouncements.”

“So he is conscious.”

“But he no longer makes any sense.”

“That’s ok. The American people voted for this.”

“This??? Did they understand what they were doing?”

“Hard to say. At this point, no one wants to admit to actually voting.”

“But people haven’t voted in years.”

“Yes, it has been awhile.

Here are the instructions from the internet for the Gold 86 Pillow:

Place Gold 86 Pillow over the subject’s mouth and nose, and press hard- use all your might-until the subject quits kicking and flailing. If used correctly, subject should get calm. Real calm. This may take a few minutes.”

“——Are you still there?”

“Yes. Just me and the Secret Service.”

“What are they doing?”

“Clapping.”